Throwback Edition: It's Time to Start Airing Our Romantic Grievances
Plus, an incredible piece of investigate reporting, our obsession with self-improvement, and a list of happy memories
Dearest Readers,
I come to you today with an edition from what feels like another lifetime: the end of 2020, long before many of you were subscribed. I remember where I was sitting when I wrote this one and the situational reference points I had in my head whilst writing. Mostly, I remember the discourse after sending it. I received emails, DMs, and texts from readers expressing a mix of relief-laden agreement and indignant counterpoints—it was one of my favorite editions for that reason.
I’ve always been interested in finding alternative ways to function within existing structures—ways that feel more intuitive, and that align with my values more closely—and this is where airing romantic grievances come in. Modern relationships, in America especially, can be quite isolating. Community is of paramount importance for countering that isolation, and for having a fuller, more balanced life in general. I like to believe there is a way in which those two things can co-exist; a healthy romantic relationship in which both parties are supported by a community they trust. It can be the same community or different communities or both, but the point is we are not required to strip ourselves of a true support system just because we are in a relationship. Relationships should not require us to become superhumans who only need to rely on one other individual for all of our complex needs. And that is where I’ll leave you to venture into today’s edition. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject matter, so drop me a note or a comment after reading.
On a personal note, I’ve spent the past two weeks deep in pre-production for a short film I’m producing and directing here in Costa Rica. I dreamt of writing and directing something while here but wasn’t sure how it would come to fruition with zero funding and very limited experience in the A to Z of filmmaking But alas, thanks to the generosity of my creative community and a healthy dose of delusion laced with magic, it seems to be all happening.
There is so much to learn when you’re really going for something new. I’ve written plenty of scripts and have directed on a very small scale, but never with multiple actors in a frame at once, never attempting to secure shoot locations, never compiling a full shot list and production schedule, etc. It’s been a wild process already; one I’d like to share more with you in the coming weeks for I think if we all gained a deeper understanding of the insane amount of work/heart/tears/joys/effort that goes into making the art we love to consume, we’d be better off for it. Also, maybe there’s someone reading this newsletter who has dreams of writing, directing, and producing their own work, but who hasn’t gotten started yet. Perhaps by sharing pieces of this process, that person might find the encouragement to get their own creative journey started. I have no idea what I’m doing, but who does? We make it up as we go along, we figure it out as we go.
Finally, I’ll be re-launching the paid version of this newsletter on March 2, two editions from now. If you’re already a paid subscriber nothing changes, but be on the lookout for a rouge email later this weekend with a little thank you gift and an update. If you’re not a paid subscriber, that means in two weeks this weekly edition is going to be partially paywalled. There will still be a free portion of the newsletter each week, but the full editions will be limited to paid subscribers. If you’ve considered subscribing in the past, the coming re-launch is the time to do it. I’ll share more about the structure of what is free/what is paid, and about some (hopefully enticing!) incentives for signing up for the paid version in the coming weeks. Paid subscribers are the reason I can keep writing this newsletter each week—thank you for your support if you are able to pay, and thank you for your readership whether you pay or not. I love having you here with me each week.
That’s all for now! I’ll be spending the weekend frantically writing to make some upcoming deadlines, doing the first script table read with my two actors, preparing for the crew to arrive (read: two of my best friends), scouting the location with the landowner, and hopefully finding some time to surf in between. Wish me luck! And please, order yourself dessert this weekend. Buy yourself some fresh flowers. You deserve it.
A Note From the Editor
As more of my close friends have settled into committed relationships over the past few years, I’ve noticed (and participated in) something of a trend. When I think about it in a concerted way, I realize this trend was occurring long before the age of our more serious adult relationships—it happened back in college, maybe even in high school. Practically from the time we started being romantically involved, we simultaneously began the practice of concealing any negative interactions or emotions related to our significant other, doing our very best not to utter a bad word about them, even to our closest friends.
Eventually, it becomes impossible to hold it all in, and that’s when the confessional conversation happens. I can recount these formulaic conversations with precision, as I’ve been on both the giving and the receiving end of said sentiments. The confessor has reached a boiling point after holding in so much for so long, a catalyst is activated (wine, stress, whatever) and the confession begins. It could be something as minor as an annoying habit displayed by their partner, as earth-shattering as a betrayal, or as heartbreaking as a slow dissipation of romantic feelings. The confession itself is irrelevant to the point, it is simply something the confessor hasn’t had the courage to admit aloud. The listener expresses empathy with lots of head nodding and shoulder touching, and eventually says, “Why didn’t you tell me? You know you can always talk to me about this sort of stuff.” The reply from the confessor is always the same, and herein lies the problem; “I didn’t want you to dislike/hate them (my significant other), or to judge me/them if I change my mind (and forgive them, get back together with them, etc.).”
It doesn’t feel troublesome at first glance. In fact, it feels intuitive, like some hidden truth we know we should comply with without having to ask why. In modern society romantic relationships rule, and being coupled up is still considered the most prestigious way to live. It makes sense, then, that we would hold our romantic relationships in higher regard, that we would protect them from the judging eyes of our friends and family at all costs. There are typically only two parties in a relationship, so we see ourselves as the guardian of other people’s perception of our beloved, and speaking badly of them feels like a betrayal. It isn’t difficult to convince ourselves to silence is the best strategy, to justify this omission. And silent we often are.
But what if this silence, the type we tend to practice long before we’re involved in committed adult relationships, is the detriment of modern romantic endeavors? What if bottling in these grievances breeds nothing but isolation, leaving you to deposit these negative feelings into a valve in your chest so that the pressure builds inside of you until it threatens to spontaneously combust? This thought reminded me of a standout piece I read in the Atlantic earlier this year, which argues that the institution of modern marriage can be more isolating than it used to be. It says:
“Compared with those who stay single, married folks are less likely to visit or call parents and siblings—and less inclined to offer them emotional support or pragmatic help with things such as chores and transportation. They are also less likely to hang out with friends and neighbors.”
When I first read the piece I related the aforementioned isolation to my own experiences, recounting the subtle withdrawal from others I’ve experienced while embarking on a romantic relationship — less time for friends, more energy channeled into one person, a lesser need for support from a larger circle of loved ones. Through that lens, the idea that marriage isolating didn’t feel so surprising, it felt more like an inevitable extension of what most people experience at the start of a new relationship. But thinking about it now, I realize that romantic isolation begins the moment we choose the fear of judgment over confining in our loved ones. When we default to protector mode, determined to preserve the perfect image of our perfect partner, our relationship becomes a lonelier place.
Consider what we are really afraid of when bottling up these grievances. Our loved ones want what’s best for us and what makes us happy, so we can assume that if our significant other makes us happy, despite inevitable bumps in the road, our loved ones will support our romantic relationship regardless of any confession we might make. To that end, maybe the bottling up of grievances is more related to our desire to protect the perception of our relationship and less about whether or not our loved ones will “hate” or “dislike” our significant other afterward. Plus, talking about things just feels good. it’s cathartic, it’s human. Allowing yourself to lean on the trusting ear of those outside of your romantic relationship is akin to practicing the “it takes a village” approach, which is what leading relationship experts like Esther Perel claim are missing in modern relationships.
Cheers, my dears, and as always, thanks for reading. I’d be curious to know whether you’ve participated in this bottling of grievances / eventual confessional conversation, as I admit I’m coming at this from a woman’s perspective (as in. I’ve only had these types of conversations with my girlfriends).
Three Pieces of Content Worth Consuming
A Fat Chick Walks into a Doctor’s Office. Let me first take this opportunity to introduce you to Salty, one of my favorite indie media sites that publishes writing that is different than most things you’ll read on the internet. This essay is both funny and illuminating; an overweight woman walks through the anxiety that follows her around as she prepares to go to the doctor’s office for a checkup. A useful reminder that people with varying physical traits experience everyday life differently.
The Best Piece of Investigative Reporting I’ve Read This Year. I'll first say this: a globalized perspective is important and increasingly difficult to maintain, particularly in a year like the one we've lived through. How can we concern ourselves with the goings-on around the world when there is poison in our backyard? This is why reading is crucial, and I appreciate Guernica for publishing a piece like this. I was not familiar with the rampant exploitation and sex trafficking that is commonplace for women in North Korea as they attempt to escape famine, abuse, and other unlivable conditions while seeking solace in China. The horrors recounted in this story are ones that, as an American, I can hardly fathom. Imagine for a moment not having food to feed your children; imagine having only one country to escape to (China), going there and getting sold to a "husband". Imagine getting detained back in North Korea and being placed in a prison camp that wanted to see you dead. An absolute must-read.
“During mandatory re-education at a South Korean facility, she said she learned for the first time that women have rights, including within a marriage”
Why Are We Obsessed With Improving Ourselves? I don’t have an Apple Watch, meaning I don’t have an efficient way to track my workouts. This suited me just fine, until the other day when I looked around a table and realized every single person had the same nifty watch strapped to their wrist. I asked about it and was shown all the tricks the watch can accomplish —encouraging you to meet your daily goals! Showing you you’re not actually working out as hard as you think! Prompting you to get up and walk! Part of me thought I should order one right away, but another part of me thought, “holy shit, can we all just calm down?” It made me think of this piece, which hits the nail on the head in terms of obsession with perfection in every aspect of our lives thanks to the hyper-competitive economy, social media, and other societal pressures (like Apple Watches!).
“We are being sold on the need to upgrade all parts of ourselves, all at once, including parts that we did not previously know needed upgrading. There is a great deal of money to be made by those who diagnose and treat our fears of inadequacy.”
Perhaps You Should…
Make a List of Happy Memories
Bear with me here, but I did this exercise myself yesterday and came away with an important reminder. I’d been feeling blue, unable to snap out of it or find the joy this time of year typically brings, so I decided to make a list of my happiest, most stand-out memories from the past four years (the time I’ve lived in New York). I didn’t make any rules and didn’t try to think too hard, I simply went through the years in chronological order in my mind and jotted down anywhere from a few words to a sentence or two about the most standout moments in the form of a bulleted list. The result was lovely; an enhanced mood, a reminder that life is rather grand, and a realization that my happiest memories had everything to do with the people I was with, not with the achievements I had accomplished.
**Bonus Content** (30 Most Disappointing Under 30)
Am I the only one who used to be obsessed with these lists? It feels uniquely American to have built-in disappointment in yourself solely because a list doesn’t deem you exceptional by the age of 30. This hilarious spoof was a nice reminder of how silly Forbes’ annual tradition actually is (but let’s be real, I’d love to make that list).
A Quote From A Book You Should Read:
“I was young and love to me was a fuse that was lit, not a garden that was grown. Love was not concerned with any deep knowledge of its object, of their wants and dreams, but mainly with the joy felt in their presence and the sickness felt in their departure.”
-The Water Dancer by Ta-Nehisi Coates
This newsletter is best served with a side of conversation, so drop your opinions, reflections, and thoughts in the comments below and let’s get to talking.
Or, share the most thought-provoking piece from today’s edition with someone you love, then call them up to discuss, debate, and percolate. As a wise woman once said, “Great minds discuss ideas.”
I have seen this 'bottling of grievances' before and, from my experience, I think it often comes from this irrational desire of having the outside world perceive your relationship as 'perfect'. And, I don't blame people for feeling this way. I think as a society we haven't normalized that romantic relationships are difficult and full of ups-and-downs. It is very taboo to talk about arguments, the dissipation of passion, betrayals, etc., yet all of these things are extremely common.