I too, was a child that needed to get away from my parents as quickly as possible. Two months after graduating high school I boarded a plane to live with an entirely different family on an entirely different continent that’s how badly I needed to find myself. I look back at some of the things I said to my parents and wince, but they knew I needed it too. Despite everything they were so incredibly proud of me and encouraged me the whole way through. That’s what love is. I never imagined after all the places that I had been that I would end up settling down 20 minutes from my parents, but after having my own daughter I couldn’t bare the thought of being far away from them any longer. When I can’t sleep, I fill my head with the thought of all the amazing adventures I hope my baby girl will get to experience one day. The best part of being a parent is seeing all the beauty of life again through the eyes of your child, even if it means it’s not in your own backyard anymore.
I imagine you dreaming of all the adventures you little girl will have and I think, "that's what love is." That, I think, is the part of parenting I find impossible to understand having not yet had a child myself. It is an embrace that might loosen over time, but that comes back together, too.
This hit me so hard. I'm brand new to parenthood and already dread the thought of not being connected to my child later in life. And yet, becoming a parent has made me revisit so much from my own childhood and the reasons that I needed distance from my own parents. This was beautifully written. Thank you.
Thank you for reading, and congratulations on your sweet little one. I can only imagine parenthood as being the most multifaceted, complex dynamic of human existence, and I would guess our understanding of its depths continue to deepen as life progresses. Enjoy that precious baby time!
You know what’s so interesting. Just this last week I was sitting with the news that yet again, family members of people I interact with daily have passed away from COVID. I kept thinking about this idea of becoming desensitized to loss and grief. How in our lifetime we have been exposed to traumatic, unnatural losses. Terror attacks, school shootings, nightclub shootings, police brutality, domestic violence, hate crimes, and now a deadly virus. I used to grieve so much. I used to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Every story of loss, every painful memory recalled by a person who lived it first hand.. and my own personal traumas. Yet, somehow I stand swaying back and forth on this fine line between debilitating devastation and numb functioning. When I heard the news of another loss COVID loss this week I was numb. Perhaps the overwhelming impact of watching our Capitol being degraded and violated drained my emotional capacity.. but I had to sit with that moment. I had to sit with that feeling of numbness. Anyway, I guess what you wrote made me think back to my thoughts around the issue of feeling everything or nothing at all. Perhaps we spend our entire lives training to cope with loss. Perhaps in the grand-scheme of things we find the prospect of the losses like a child moving away or a breakup providing us with more life than the losses that we find ourself constantly having to grieve: the loss of life. Wow, I just word vomited.. anyway. I love what you write. I love your depth. Thanks for sharing. Xoxo
I read this three different times and each time I got something else out of it. I share your feelings of "all or nothing" grieving, but in reverse — like most of my life has been lived wearing a shield of numbness, which had been stripped away in the wake of all of the trauma we've collectively experienced over the past few years. it made me think about this New York times piece you should read about how nothingness has become a stalwart of our modern culture (https://www.nytimes.com/2021/01/19/magazine/negation-culture.html).
Thank you for this thoughtful comment and thanks for reading.
Wow, thank you for sharing! What you said, “a shield of numbness” really resonates with me. It’s true, isn’t it? That’s what we do. That’s how we cope. That’s how we were taught to survive. The NYTimes piece you shared was eye-opening and thought provoking. Honestly, I’ve felt myself really “give up” during these last 9-10 months of the pandemic. Not give up one life or anything.. but rather give up on the pursuit of happiness. As if I’m in a holding-ground for what’s next. I go to therapy (which I firmly believe everyone should) and last time I spoke to her she said something that really hit home. She said, “we can’t delay happiness” because we are waiting for the pandemic to end, for things to “resume” or “get back to normal.” She’s right. The likelihood of anything being exactly how it was is near impossible. Clinging to the past, ignoring our grief, resisting reality, numbing ourselves.. those are habits that inhibit our authentic happiness. Now, I tend to be the type of person who hold themself to the highest standards. I hold myself accountable. I am intentional. I am high achieving. Because of this, I spend a lot of time recognizing and shifting behaviors based on what I know and aim to accomplish. What I sometimes do NOT do is really trying to understand my thoughts and behaviors without judgement of what is right or wrong. Reading this NYtimes article about this nothingness culture we are immersed in really helped me. It allowed me to sit with the “why” of my numbing habit objectively rather. To look at myself as a part of a whole culture rather than an individual doing something right or wrong. I feel like this was the “aha moment” I needed to feel motivated to feel - grief, loss, joy, excitement. Thank you for being a part of that journey.
I love this so much!! It's absurd that my mom amongst other things patiently waited in the car when I was having a stomach ache, scratched my back when I had an itch, and took me to 17+ schools when I couldn't figure out what I wanted in a college. And the now I think about how annoying it is to trudge uptown for an obligatory dinner. The nerve of me!
I also often think about what would have happened if instead of taking the boring and stable sales job at Yelp for a paycheck out of college, I would have taken the unpaid NPR radio internship. Would I be working for "This American Life" as a features reporter? Or would my radio career have ended with that internship?
There is a real allure of that type imaigning, I agree. i play that game with myself all the time - what if I would've gotten straight into writing when moving to NYC after a stint in timeshare? Then I remind myself that life is hopefully, long, and that we are constantly making choices about what next step we can take! That seems to placate that "what if" line of thinking, when it gets dark.
So beautifully written Meghan. I’ll give a slightly different perspective as a parent of three and now a grandparent of five.
The joy of raising children is wonderful, exhausting and scary at times. But it is such a life changing and fulfilling time.
The joy of watching them grow into adulthood is even better. Hopefully we do our jobs well and we are lucky enough to have confident well adjusted adult children ... but when that happens and they leave the nest and they start their own nests, there is nothing more satisfying than watching them become wonderful parents as well.
The love of a parent and child is so special. Sure ... there’s pain and sadness at times but that’s true in everything we do if we’ve lived full lives.
I cried at Garth too. I think the moment was pure love and wonder at our “amazing” lives.
Ah, Joel! This was such an uplifting thing to hear and I think it is indicative of what a good job you've done as a father and a grandfather I liked reading this and imaging the other end of the temporary loss of children growing up and leaving the house; the part where they come back again with little ones of thier own.
This newsletter wrecked me as a “new-ish” mom with baby girl turning one in three weeks. It also had me reflecting on how I “left the nest” of my parents. Lastly, I’m definitely forwarding this to my mother.
Morning cry time! I can't tell you how often I've thought about my son growing up and leaving the nest. As a parent, I want him to experience independence and adventure outside of the home. But I sure hope he'll always want us to be in his immediate life, sharing in some of those adventures and hearing his stories. He's not even 3 yet and yet I still think of this so often.
Crazy coincidence, but just last night I was thinking about that idea of another life, of the different paths that might have changed my whole trajectory. But I'm so happy that this was my path, because it led to the existence of my boy. <3
Morning cry time! I can't tell you how often I've thought about my son growing up and leaving the nest. As a parent, I want him to experience independence and adventure outside of the home. But I sure hope he'll always want us to be in his immediate life, sharing in some of those adventures and hearing his stories. He's not even 3 yet and yet I still think of this so often.
Crazy coincidence, but just last night I was thinking about that idea of another life, of the different paths that might have changed my whole trajectory. But I'm so happy that this was my path, because it led to the existence of my boy. <3
I too, was a child that needed to get away from my parents as quickly as possible. Two months after graduating high school I boarded a plane to live with an entirely different family on an entirely different continent that’s how badly I needed to find myself. I look back at some of the things I said to my parents and wince, but they knew I needed it too. Despite everything they were so incredibly proud of me and encouraged me the whole way through. That’s what love is. I never imagined after all the places that I had been that I would end up settling down 20 minutes from my parents, but after having my own daughter I couldn’t bare the thought of being far away from them any longer. When I can’t sleep, I fill my head with the thought of all the amazing adventures I hope my baby girl will get to experience one day. The best part of being a parent is seeing all the beauty of life again through the eyes of your child, even if it means it’s not in your own backyard anymore.
I imagine you dreaming of all the adventures you little girl will have and I think, "that's what love is." That, I think, is the part of parenting I find impossible to understand having not yet had a child myself. It is an embrace that might loosen over time, but that comes back together, too.
This hit me so hard. I'm brand new to parenthood and already dread the thought of not being connected to my child later in life. And yet, becoming a parent has made me revisit so much from my own childhood and the reasons that I needed distance from my own parents. This was beautifully written. Thank you.
Thank you for reading, and congratulations on your sweet little one. I can only imagine parenthood as being the most multifaceted, complex dynamic of human existence, and I would guess our understanding of its depths continue to deepen as life progresses. Enjoy that precious baby time!
You know what’s so interesting. Just this last week I was sitting with the news that yet again, family members of people I interact with daily have passed away from COVID. I kept thinking about this idea of becoming desensitized to loss and grief. How in our lifetime we have been exposed to traumatic, unnatural losses. Terror attacks, school shootings, nightclub shootings, police brutality, domestic violence, hate crimes, and now a deadly virus. I used to grieve so much. I used to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Every story of loss, every painful memory recalled by a person who lived it first hand.. and my own personal traumas. Yet, somehow I stand swaying back and forth on this fine line between debilitating devastation and numb functioning. When I heard the news of another loss COVID loss this week I was numb. Perhaps the overwhelming impact of watching our Capitol being degraded and violated drained my emotional capacity.. but I had to sit with that moment. I had to sit with that feeling of numbness. Anyway, I guess what you wrote made me think back to my thoughts around the issue of feeling everything or nothing at all. Perhaps we spend our entire lives training to cope with loss. Perhaps in the grand-scheme of things we find the prospect of the losses like a child moving away or a breakup providing us with more life than the losses that we find ourself constantly having to grieve: the loss of life. Wow, I just word vomited.. anyway. I love what you write. I love your depth. Thanks for sharing. Xoxo
I read this three different times and each time I got something else out of it. I share your feelings of "all or nothing" grieving, but in reverse — like most of my life has been lived wearing a shield of numbness, which had been stripped away in the wake of all of the trauma we've collectively experienced over the past few years. it made me think about this New York times piece you should read about how nothingness has become a stalwart of our modern culture (https://www.nytimes.com/2021/01/19/magazine/negation-culture.html).
Thank you for this thoughtful comment and thanks for reading.
Wow, thank you for sharing! What you said, “a shield of numbness” really resonates with me. It’s true, isn’t it? That’s what we do. That’s how we cope. That’s how we were taught to survive. The NYTimes piece you shared was eye-opening and thought provoking. Honestly, I’ve felt myself really “give up” during these last 9-10 months of the pandemic. Not give up one life or anything.. but rather give up on the pursuit of happiness. As if I’m in a holding-ground for what’s next. I go to therapy (which I firmly believe everyone should) and last time I spoke to her she said something that really hit home. She said, “we can’t delay happiness” because we are waiting for the pandemic to end, for things to “resume” or “get back to normal.” She’s right. The likelihood of anything being exactly how it was is near impossible. Clinging to the past, ignoring our grief, resisting reality, numbing ourselves.. those are habits that inhibit our authentic happiness. Now, I tend to be the type of person who hold themself to the highest standards. I hold myself accountable. I am intentional. I am high achieving. Because of this, I spend a lot of time recognizing and shifting behaviors based on what I know and aim to accomplish. What I sometimes do NOT do is really trying to understand my thoughts and behaviors without judgement of what is right or wrong. Reading this NYtimes article about this nothingness culture we are immersed in really helped me. It allowed me to sit with the “why” of my numbing habit objectively rather. To look at myself as a part of a whole culture rather than an individual doing something right or wrong. I feel like this was the “aha moment” I needed to feel motivated to feel - grief, loss, joy, excitement. Thank you for being a part of that journey.
Reading that excerpt from The Bell Jar was like looking in a mirror. Thank you for adding yet another book to my already cluttered night stand : )
Please tell me once you've read it so we can discuss! It's a fairly quick read and packed with so much moody goodness.
I’m sick of crying at work because of your damn newsletters.
I love this so much!! It's absurd that my mom amongst other things patiently waited in the car when I was having a stomach ache, scratched my back when I had an itch, and took me to 17+ schools when I couldn't figure out what I wanted in a college. And the now I think about how annoying it is to trudge uptown for an obligatory dinner. The nerve of me!
I also often think about what would have happened if instead of taking the boring and stable sales job at Yelp for a paycheck out of college, I would have taken the unpaid NPR radio internship. Would I be working for "This American Life" as a features reporter? Or would my radio career have ended with that internship?
There is a real allure of that type imaigning, I agree. i play that game with myself all the time - what if I would've gotten straight into writing when moving to NYC after a stint in timeshare? Then I remind myself that life is hopefully, long, and that we are constantly making choices about what next step we can take! That seems to placate that "what if" line of thinking, when it gets dark.
So beautifully written Meghan. I’ll give a slightly different perspective as a parent of three and now a grandparent of five.
The joy of raising children is wonderful, exhausting and scary at times. But it is such a life changing and fulfilling time.
The joy of watching them grow into adulthood is even better. Hopefully we do our jobs well and we are lucky enough to have confident well adjusted adult children ... but when that happens and they leave the nest and they start their own nests, there is nothing more satisfying than watching them become wonderful parents as well.
The love of a parent and child is so special. Sure ... there’s pain and sadness at times but that’s true in everything we do if we’ve lived full lives.
I cried at Garth too. I think the moment was pure love and wonder at our “amazing” lives.
Keep writing! You’re terrific.
Ah, Joel! This was such an uplifting thing to hear and I think it is indicative of what a good job you've done as a father and a grandfather I liked reading this and imaging the other end of the temporary loss of children growing up and leaving the house; the part where they come back again with little ones of thier own.
This newsletter wrecked me as a “new-ish” mom with baby girl turning one in three weeks. It also had me reflecting on how I “left the nest” of my parents. Lastly, I’m definitely forwarding this to my mother.
Morning cry time! I can't tell you how often I've thought about my son growing up and leaving the nest. As a parent, I want him to experience independence and adventure outside of the home. But I sure hope he'll always want us to be in his immediate life, sharing in some of those adventures and hearing his stories. He's not even 3 yet and yet I still think of this so often.
Crazy coincidence, but just last night I was thinking about that idea of another life, of the different paths that might have changed my whole trajectory. But I'm so happy that this was my path, because it led to the existence of my boy. <3
I'm so glad your path led you to exactly where you are, too!
Morning cry time! I can't tell you how often I've thought about my son growing up and leaving the nest. As a parent, I want him to experience independence and adventure outside of the home. But I sure hope he'll always want us to be in his immediate life, sharing in some of those adventures and hearing his stories. He's not even 3 yet and yet I still think of this so often.
Crazy coincidence, but just last night I was thinking about that idea of another life, of the different paths that might have changed my whole trajectory. But I'm so happy that this was my path, because it led to the existence of my boy. <3