Edition #51: It's Time to Start Airing Our Romantic Grievances

Plus, an important piece of investigative journalism, making a list of happy memories, and Forbes 30 Most Disappointing Under 30.

Dec 03, 2020

Confessions Of A Heavy Heart: Keeping Secrets Will Physically Weigh You Down, Influence Behavior

A Note From the Editor

As more of my close friends have settled into committed relationships the past few years, I’ve noticed (and participated in) something of a trend. When I think about it in a concerted way, I realize this trend was occurring long before the age of our more serious adult relationships — it happened back in college, maybe even in high school. Practically from the time we started being romantically involved, we simultaneously began the practice of concealing any negative interactions or emotions related to our significant other, doing our very best not to utter a bad word about them, even to our closest friends.

Eventually, it becomes impossible to hold it all in, and that’s when the confessional conversation happens. I can recount these formulaic conversations with precision, as I’ve been on both the giving and the receiving end of said sentiments. The confessor has reached a boiling point after holding in so much for so long, a catalyst is activated (wine, stress, whatever) and the confession begins. It could be something as minor as an annoying habit displayed by their partner, or as earth-shattering as a betrayal, or as heartbreaking as a slow dissipation of romantic feelings. The confession itself is irrelevant to the point, it is simply something the confessor hasn’t had the courage to admit aloud. The listener expresses empathy with lots of head nodding and shoulder touching, and eventually says, “Why didn’t you tell me? You know you can always talk to me about this sort of stuff.” The reply from the confessor is always the same, and herein lies the problem; “I didn’t want you to dislike/hate them (my significant other), or to judge me/them if I change my mind (and forgive them, get back together with them, etc.).”

It doesn’t feel troublesome at first glance. In fact, it feels intuitive, like some hidden truth we know we should comply with without having to ask why. In modern society romantic relationships rule, and being coupled up is still considered the most prestigious way to live. It makes sense, then, that we would hold our romantic relationships to a higher regard, that we would protect them from the judging eyes of our friends and family at all costs. There are typically only two parties in a relationship, so we see ourselves as the guardian of other people’s perception of our beloved, and speaking badly of them feels like a betrayal. It isn’t difficult to convince ourselves to silence is the best strategy, to justify this omission. And silent we often are.

But what if this silence, the type we tend to practice long before we’re involved in committed adult relationships, is the detriment of modern romantic endeavors? What if bottling in these grievances breeds nothing but isolation, leaving you to deposit these negative feelings into a valve in your chest so that the pressure builds inside of you until it threatens to spontaneously combust? This thought reminded me of a standout piece I read in the Atlantic earlier this year, which argues that the institution of modern marriage can be more isolating than it used to be. It says:

“Compared with those who stay single, married folks are less likely to visit or call parents and siblings—and less inclined to offer them emotional support or pragmatic help with things such as chores and transportation. They are also less likely to hang out with friends and neighbors.”

When I first read the piece I related the aforementioned isolation to my own experiences, recounting the subtle withdrawal from others I’ve experienced while embarking on a romantic relationship — less time for friends, more energy channeled into one person, a lesser need for support from a larger circle of loved ones. Through that lens, the idea that marriage isolating didn’t feel so surprising, it felt more like an inevitable extension of what most people experience at the start of a new relationship. But thinking about it now, I realize that romantic isolation begins the moment we choose the fear of judgment over confining in our loved ones. When we default to protector mode, determined to preserve the perfect image of our perfect partner, our relationship becomes a lonelier place.

Consider what we are really afraid of when bottling up these grievances. Our loved ones want what’s best for us and what makes us happy, so we can assume that if our significant other makes us happy, despite inevitable bumps in the road, our loved ones will support our romantic relationship regardless of any confession we might make. To that end, maybe the bottling up of grievances is more related to our desire to protect the perception of our relationship and less about whether or not our loved ones will “hate” or “dislike” our significant other afterward. Plus, talking about things just feels good. it’s cathartic, it’s human. Allowing yourself to lean on the trusting ear of those outside of your romantic relationship is akin to practicing the “it takes a village” approach, which is what leading relationships experts like Esther Perel claim is missing in modern relationships.

Cheers, my dears, and as always, thanks for reading. I’d be curious to know whether you’ve participated in this bottling of grievances / eventual confessional conversation, as I admit I’m coming at this from a woman’s perspective (as in. I’ve only had these types of conversations with my girlfriends).

Three Pieces of Content Worth Consuming

A Fat Chick Walks into a Doctor’s Office. Let me first take this opportunity to introduce you to Salty, one of my favorite indie media sites that publishes writing that is different than most things you’ll read on the internet. This essay is both funny and illuminating; an overweight woman walks through the anxiety that follows her around as she prepares to go to the doctor’s office for a checkup. A useful reminder that people with varying physical traits experience everyday life differently.
‘(I)f the wise medical professionals known as “YouTube commenters” are correct, then every day I wake up closer to diabetes, heart disease, and broken knees. My body, she is a failure and a strain on the global economy and depending on the social media site probably also responsible for global warming.”
The Best Piece of Investigative Reporting I’ve Read This Year. I'll first say this: a globalized perspective is important and increasingly difficult to maintain, particularly in a year like the one we've lived through. How can we concern ourselves with the goings-on around the world when there is poison in our backyard? This is why reading is crucial, and I appreciate Guernica for publishing a piece like this. I was not familiar with the rampant exploitation and sex trafficking that is commonplace for women in North Korea as they attempt to escape famine, abuse, and other unlivable conditions while seeking solace in China. The horrors recounted in this story are ones that, as an American, I can hardly fathom. Imagine for a moment not having food to feed your children; imagine having only one country to escape to (China), going there and getting sold to a "husband". Imagine getting detained back to North Korea and being placed in a prison camp that wanted to see you dead. An absolute must-read.
“During mandatory re-education at a South Korean facility, she said she learned for the first time that women have rights, including within a marriage”
Why Are We Obsessed With Improving Ourselves? I don’t have an Apple Watch, meaning I don’t have an efficient way to track my workouts. This suited me just fine, until the other day when I looked around a table and realized every single person had the same nifty watch strapped to their wrist. I asked about it and was shown all the tricks the watch can accomplish —encouraging you to meet your daily goals! Showing you you’re not actually working out as hard as you think! Prompting you to get up and walk! Part of me thought I should order one right away, but another part of me thought, “holy shit, can we all just calm down?” It made me think of this piece, which hits the nail on the head in terms of obsession with perfection in every aspect of our lives thanks to the hyper-competitive economy, social media, and other societal pressures (like Apple Watches!).
“We are being sold on the need to upgrade all parts of ourselves, all at once, including parts that we did not previously know needed upgrading. There is a great deal of money to be made by those who diagnose and treat our fears of inadequacy.”

Perhaps You Should…
Make a List of Happy Memories

Googling our trip down memory lane. | by Ghizlene L. | Medium

Bear with me here, but I did this exercise myself yesterday and came away with an important reminder. I’d been feeling blue, unable to snap out of it or find the joy this time of year typically brings, so I decided to make a list of my happiest, most stand out memories from the past four years (the time I’ve lived in New York). I didn’t make any rules and didn’t try to think too hard, I simply went through the years in chronological order in my mind and jotted down anywhere from a few words to a sentence or two about the most standout moments in the form of a bulleted list. The result was lovely; an enhanced mood, a reminder that life is rather grand, and a realization that my happiest memories had everything to do with the people I was with, not with the achievements I had accomplished.

Bonus Content (30 Most Disappointing Under 30)

Am I the only one who used to be obsessed with these lists? It feels uniquely American to have built-in disappointment in yourself solely because a list doesn’t deem you exceptional by the age of 30. This hilarious spoof was a nice reminder of how silly Forbe’s annual tradition actually is (but let’s be real, I’d love to make that list).

A Quote From A Book You Should Read:

“I was young and love to me was a fuse that was lit, not a garden that was grown. Love was not concerned with any deep knowledge of its object, of their wants and dreams, but mainly with the joy felt in their presence and the sickness felt in their departure.”

-The Water Dancer by Ta-Nehisi Coates

This newsletter is best served with a side of conversation, so drop your opinions, reflections, and thoughts in the comments below and let’s get to talking.

that's so interesting

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