Edition #182: A Message From My Ego
She's got Musk vibes. Plus, the New Yorkers subsidized by their parents money, an impeccable essay, and a funny cartoon.
A Note From the Editor
Good morning. You awake? Ah, you’re still tired. I see. But you didn’t even set an alarm last night. Giving yourself so much rest. Taking good care of yourself, huh? Is that what you think you’re doing? It’s a cute spin. Very creative.
I know what you’re really doing.
You want to know?
You really want to know?
Fine, I’ll tell you. Don't get your feelings hurt.
You’re being lazy. Dreadfully lazy. You moved all the way here to relax? To lie in bed until your body signals it’s time to get up? Who do you think you are? Really, answer me, who do you think you are? This is not a rhetorical question. Are you the Queen of England? No chance, she would be up by now. Are you a Rockefeller? No, they would by now. The Dali Lama? Nope. He would be up. But you? You don’t have the power of a royal, the financial backing of a family institution, or the influence of a spiritual leader. All you have is you.
All you have is you.
All you have is you.
And you’re alone in this world.
For that reason, you should be up by now. You have no one. Wait! I see your eyes closing again. You’re trying to ignore me. Keep trying, I’ll say it louder. I'll get a megaphone if I have to. All you have is you. There is no safety net for you. Get up. GET UP!
I don't care if your energy is sapped. I don’t want to hear it. Get the fuck up. Now.
_____
I'm sorry, about earlier. I didn't mean to wake you up like that. I tried being gentle, at first, but it didn’t work. I tried saying it like, Good morning, dear, would you please get up? You have a big day ahead of you. It isn’t my fault you didn't respond to that.
It never works that way with you. Gently. It really just doesn’t work. If we were a business, that department would be deemed ineffective and we’d need to barge in there, fire all of the staff, lock them out of their offices, and take over. We would need to plan a hostile takeover of that department.
That isn’t the way we operate, gently. That’s why I’ve been blocking its development. For you! Because I know it won’t work and I don’t want to see you get hurt. And thank God for that, because if it did work, if it was in full operation all those years, we would have never gotten here. Never ever, not in a million years. Zero chance.
Look around. Do you like your life? Do you remember how it used to be? How you used to feel when you were little? The things you used to think about yourself? You never thought life would be like this. Could you ever have imagined we’d get here?
Aren’t you happy, sometimes?
Everything you have, every penny you have, is because of me. Because of the way I've coached you, trained you. So fine, yes, take a few moments now that you’re finally up. Make your coffee, do your reading, light your incense, whatever. I’ll give you a little break, ok? To make up for the way I woke you. It was harsh, I get it. But be prepared, I'm coming back this afternoon. Don’t make me have to shout again.
_____
Well, would you look at the time? It’s 3:20 pm.
Did you hear me? It's 3:20 pm. It’s 3:20 pm. THREE TWENTY PEE-EM. Don’t go ignoring me now! You tried that this morning. Remember where that got us?
Sunset is in two hours, which means you have to leave your house in an hour and a half, which means you need to make yourself presentable and then get back to work until the alarm goes off. I know you’re working, but you can stop for a minute. Have you seen yourself today? You’re looking a little haggard. Shocking, since you got so much rest last night. Maybe too much rest? I’m suggesting a little makeup. Just a touch. Maybe brush your hair.
Speaking of today, what have you been up to the last few hours? I'd like to know how you spent your precious time. Your one life on this Earth. Another day, an ordinary day, but it’s the ordinary days that make up the bulk of our lives, right? Every day counts. Every day you can get a little better, a little smarter, a little more fit, a little more successful. Every day you’re one day closer to kicking the bucket. One day closer to losing your parents.
What? I’m just reminding you how precious time is.
So go ahead, tell me, what’d you do today? I recall giving you some precious time off this morning. I’m guessing you recharged, recalibrated, and then were primed for peak performance. Is that right?
No? What do you mean, no?
I see. So let me get this straight. I gave you time to recalibrate—generous time, might I add—to do all of your hippy-dippy bullshit, to read, to rest, blah blah blah, and what did you do with the rest of your day? You just…kept doing nothing?
Fine, so you exercised, The class was super hard, big whoop. Do you want a trophy for taking a workout class? Your friend was going for a coffee after class and invited you? Ok, so you went. Even though you already had coffee at home, fine. More coffee means you can be more productive, right? Certainly you got a lot of focused work done while you two sat there with your $6 coffees?
That doesn’t sound productive at all. A few emails and then you practiced Spanish for 45 minutes. Am I supposed to be impressed? Because it’s one of your little goals? I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you will never be able to speak Spanish. Another thing you started too late in life. You’re always behind. That’s why you need to move faster.
And while we’re telling the truth, I should tell you you’ll never be good at surfing, either. No one in your life is ever honest with you. They all pretend you’re great, so impressive, la-di-da. Someone needs to tell you the truth. Might as well be me. And look, I know how frustrated these things make you. The Spanish, the surf. You get so irritated with yourself because you aren’t good. I’m trying to explain it to you. Gently!
You. Will. Never. Be. Good. Best to stop trying.
These are hobbies, anyhow. A waste of time. I know, you think learning Spanish will help you do some dreamt-up film project. I’ve heard the idea. You want to interview Spanish-speaking farmers. It's cute. Mommy, I want to be a unicorn when I grow up! I’ll add it to the list of your unrealized dreams. We could fill a room with these brilliant ideas that have gotten us nowhere.
Are you really expecting all these things to happen for you? The man, the family, the films, the projects, the travel? You believe in these little fantasies, yet you do absolutely nothing to bring them to fruition. All you do is let yourself rest. Do you think you have a Fairy Godmother coming to rescue you? That she’ll wave her magic wand and turn you from a pumpkin to a princess?
No? You don’t believe you have a Fairy Godmother?
So then why the fuck haven’t you actually done anything today?
I can think of several things you could have done. You could have written. I know you wrote, but that doesn’t count. That was bullshit writing. I mean writing toward something real. You know, what real writers do? You could have worked on a pitch. That story about motherhood and the safari. Actually, no. You shouldn't even try to write that. It’s a dumb idea. No one cares about what you think. But you could have written the pitch, at least! Then at least you’d have something to show for yourself.
OK, so you didn’t want to pitch because all your ideas suck. I get that. Can’t say I disagree. Still, you could have started a novel. Oh, right, you stopped creative writing because I reminded you every day that it was a waste of time, that you’d never be good. Getting rejected from those MFA programs five years ago was proof. But you could’ve written a script! Right, yes, I recall stopping you there, too. But only because it is pointless. You don’t want to work in a writer’s room, you don’t want to live in LA, and the chances of that actually happening are even slimmer than those fully funded MFA programs you got rejected from. Still, you could have written a….
Wait, what are you doing?
Why are you lying down?
Don’t lie down! You have things to do!
What do you mean, I’m draining the life out of you? I’m trying to help you, can’t you see? I’m trying to save you!
I’m losing you, I can feel it. You’re pulling away, trying to tell yourself you don’t need me anymore. And I’m trying to remind you that without me you will be nothing. Less than nothing. You will cease to exist. Be out on the streets. Everyone you love will forget you.
Listen to me. Please, just listen!
_____
Cheers, my dears, and as always, thank you for reading. Lately, it feels like everywhere I (digitally) look, people are making a production of their unshakability. Posing as indestructible, as wealthy, as self-made, as the model of success, as unbothered by the implications of their actions or the actions of anyone else. It is the posturing of our current era; there is no space for sensitivity, everything superfluous should be slashed. CREAM. It makes me tired.
Despite my resistance, I believe the aforementioned culture has found its way into my bloodstream. It was slipped into my drink without my noticing. So I’ll take the opportunity to defy its prescribed smoke-and-mirrors, rabbit-in-a-hat flash and tell you that I am not feeling well, mentally or physically. I haven’t been for a few weeks now. I’m lethargic. My chest is tight, my asthma is acting up. I’ve been sleeping 10, 12 hours each night this week and napping sporadically during the day. The result of pretending you feel better than you do for several weeks and ignoring the signs from your body.
Is that unsexy to say? Does that make my narrative unappealing, does it make me a less credible author? No; I believe it only makes me human. I am not interested in posturing. Maybe you’ve felt this way too. If you have, be sure to read the third story in today’s “content worth consuming” section today.
Have a chilled-out weekend. I am only allowing myself skeletal outlines of plans, for I am traveling next week and am determined to recharge my body and mind for the trip. Buy some nice loose-leaf tea and make it in a French press, tell someone how you’ve been feeling lately, watch a movie—ideally cuddled up with someone you like.
Three Pieces of Content Worth Consuming
People With Parents With Money. This is juicy stuff. Fourteen New Yorkers from all ages and walks of life confess how much of their lifestyle is subsidized by their parents. I thought it was interesting that the authors of this piece led with the difficult task of finding people willing to talk about their parent’s money. It is also fascinating to consider the variation of lifestyles money enables—a social worker, a doctor, a labor union organizer—and how the parents doling out cash chose to exercise control of their adult children’s lives. Most sad (and predictable) was “The Woman Whose Parents Control Her Love Life,” and most interesting if I were writing a character was “The Musician Who Keeps His Wealth Secret.”
Kendrick Lamar Just Rewrote The Rules of the Super Bowl Halftime Show. One of the nice things about being an expat is that you don’t have to pretend to care about the Super Bowl. I skipped it this year—sorry to my brothers for your loss— but you can bet I watched the Kendrick concert. The male dancers made me squeal. So much talent. If you were not as delighted by the performance as I was, this article is a good read for context on the creative choices and their significance. Lamar is a brilliant, Pulitzer Prize-winning artist; I am glad he didn’t sell out for the sake of an Apple-sponsored halftime show. Prediction: this song will make an appearance on my 2025 Spotify Wrapped.
A Visit to Madam Bedi. This is an exceptional piece of writing on several counts. The first thing that struck me was the author’s approachable tone, not always the case when it comes to the New Yorker. Her language and sentence structure carry no pretension, yet she commands the story beautifully. The other thing that struck me was how sincerely difficult it is to write about your family trauma, especially at this scale of readership. It’s no small thing. To us it’s just a story, to the author it’s her real life, her real father, her real mother. Beautiful, not too long, and very much worth reading. The thesis was one I needed to hear.
Perhaps You Should…Create An Inspiration Corner
It started at the retreat I attended a few weeks back. One afternoon, we had a natural dye watercolor workshop. I liked what I’d painted and brought the creations home with me. A week or so later, a friend sent me a message that read like a letter. It was so lyrical that I wanted to write it down. I did so on colored index cards because they were all I could find at the store. I liked the way the words looked on those colored cards. Cheery. I wanted to display them someplace. There was a little corner of my house that, with some reconfiguration, would be the perfect blank canvas. Alas, the inspiration corner was born.
I’ve had great fun with my little corner these last weeks. It is very DIY, as things here must be—scotch tape folded into loops, kiddie scissors, off-brand Post-its, colored index cards—but that’s part of the fun. Every time I find words that ignite something in me, or I feel pulled toward an idea or moved to jot down a poem, I bust out the supplies and get the words up on the wall straight away. Having this creative visual space in my home, separate from my otherwise orderly existence, is a delight.
Give it a try. I imagine those in a city can create something quite chic, and you don’t need a whole office to do it. Just a corner, all for you.
**Bonus Content** (I <3 NYer Cartoons)
LOL. Good ol’ New Yorker cartoons always brighten my day.
Also, something super cute, I think I’m going to subscribe to Criterion Channel so I can watch this film, a low-key genius made-up job and a genius flight innovation, it’s very hot where I live but I’m still tempted to try this eye mask, you really can make anything in the air fryer, and shout out to my first ring tone.
A Quote From A Book You Should Read:
“My pleasures are largely free. Sitting in front of an open window and writing is free, and so is lifting your eyes to watch the treetops and the sky behind. Lying awake at dawn and listening to the blackbird in the tree outside is free. Listening to the wind is free, and so is walking through Madrid’s old neighborhoods in the evening when the sun has set but the asphalt and the stones of the buildings are still hot.”
-Carnality by Lina Wolff
Thank you.
For your honesty
For your vulnerability
And
For sharing