Edition #164: How To Make Friends Anywhere
It's easier than you think. Plus, how to die in good health, a BS detector quiz, and the best Cowboy Carter song.
Hello, dear readers. I write to you from Cape Town, South Africa, where I have spent one whirlwind week thus far. I didn’t intend to let this much time pass between editions, but March was a bit of a shit show—tax season, too much movement, and an obscene amount of preparation required for Africa, the cumulative effect of which left me depleted.
But we’re back! The theme of this period of time is consistency, so you’ll be seeing more of me here. Enjoy today’s edition, an ode to the age old friend-making practice I’ve been exercising this week after arriving on a continent where I knew exactly zero people.
A Note From the Editor
Have you ever noticed what people tell you about yourself becomes something of a self-fulfilling prophecy? It can happen in a negative way, like in the case of my middle school math teacher (and nemesis). After catching me and my friend cheating on a test, she said, “Nancy, I wouldn’t have expected this from you.” In the silence that followed, I heard her implication loud and clear, “But Meghan, I expected this from you.” My hormonal, pre-teen brain reasoned that the only way to move forward was to be exactly what she expected of me; to be badly behaved and bad at math. It was a tumultuous year for the both of us, and I didn’t learn much math.
This can happen with positively reinforced traits, too. One of the consistent pieces of feedback I’ve gotten over the years, for example, is that I am good at making friends. Every few phone conversations, my mother will comment about how many friends I have and I am pleased with the pride I hear in her voice. My best friends will make playful remarks about how many friendships I am maintaining at my given moment, seeking reassurance that they are still my priority. Being told I’m good at making friends has made me better at it, somehow. More confident.
Contrary to popular belief, being good at making friends isn’t an inherent skill you are or are not born with, but one that can be learned. It has been a survival skill for me as I’ve traversed the world solo, often landing in destinations where I know no one. We’re social little creatures, us humans, and life is so much better with friends—even Harvard says so. The world becomes more interesting in the context of others; it blossoms. We grow, we feel connected and our lives garner more meaning. friendship is a net-positive.
Perhaps your roster of friends is bursting at the seams, or maybe you’re feeling lonely and seeking connections—more likely, you fall somewhere in between. Whatever the case, I would argue it’s never a bad idea to learn how to make friends as an adult. I promise it isn’t as hard as you think.
First, the Mindset
Know what you’re working with | Don’t ever discount what serious effects your environment plays on your day-to-day life, especially in the arena of friend-making. Expat towns, for example, are some of the easiest places to make friends because everyone is away from their people, while big cities can be tricky to break into and sprawling suburbs can be isolating. In short, don’t beat yourself up if you aren’t making friends immediately upon arriving to a new place. Consider what you’re working with.
Don’t claim to be “bad at making friends” | Much like the self-fulfilling prophecy of becoming what others tell you you are, we also become what we tell ourselves we are. You aren’t bad at making friends, you just haven’t learned the tricks yet. Proudly proclaiming how bad you are at it will only make you less confident and less motivated to try to meet people.
Know what you want | We are so fixated on finding exactly what we want in the romantic arena, but rarely do we know what we’re looking for when it comes to friendship. When I was younger, I was so fixated on getting others to like me that I never considered what I actually liked in a friend, but self-knowledge is leverage. Maybe you’re new to a place and want light-hearted connections to do activities with. Maybe you’re a parent and want other parent-friends who are in a similar phase of life as you. Maybe you’re looking to connect with people who can expand your view of the world. It’s useful to know what you want so you can search in the right places and develop an internal radar for how much time you're willing to invest in any given budding friendship.
Second, the Tactical Action
Keep the channel open (i.e. remove your AirPods) | Any big city dweller knows the drill: headphones in, sunglasses on, outside world shut out. When I spent a few months in LA last year, I would often walk and skate around Venice with all of my senses plugged—it felt safer and more comfortable. One morning, I realized I was blocking out all forms of potential contact by doing this, so I challenged myself to visit my favorite coffee shop sans headphones and sunglasses. I noticed the girl in front of me scrutinizing the pastry selection. Later, as we were waiting for our coffees, I asked her what she ended up choosing. We began chatting, exchanged numbers, and she became one of my favorite people in the city—had I been plugged, this would have never happened. Go out into the world bare, notice things, talk to people. We’re humans, we inherently know how to do this even if technology encourages us to forget.
Find Facebook Groups and WhatsApp chats | Are you rolling your eyes at this? Am I a Boomer-in-training? Probably, but don’t sleep on the power of Facebook Groups, especially when traveling or moving to a new city. There are groups for everything, and a simple search with your respective location’s name will open a world of potential connections. I’m not promising you’ll find your friend best, but at the very least a Facebook Group can act as a gateway that allows you to connect with others, ask questions, and get a sense of a place. If you’re outside the US, ask your new friends about WhatsApp chats you can join, which function similarly to Facebook Groups and feel less embarrassing to talk about.
Be the host you want to befriend | Everyone appreciates the person who hosts the dinner party, who gathers the group, who makes the plans. One of my favorite, most well-used tricks for making and growing friendships is to be this person. Sure, hosting requires a bit of effort, but the benefits are tenfold. You can hang out with multiple people at once, allow your friends (new and old) to meet one another—thus opening up the potential for friend groups to form—and the setting ushers in a degree of intimacy that comes with inviting people into your home. Also, hosting doesn’t need to be as difficult or elaborate as you think.
Third, the Required Maintenance
Set reasonable expectations | So many friendships dissolve because one or both parties let a critical period of time pass without reaching out, causing feelings of guilt to bubble up and multiply until the whole situation feels more awkward and damaged than it actually is. Don’t overthink it; there’s no need to guilt yourself if time passes and you haven’t been in contact. You have not breached a contract or done something terribly wrong, you can still reach out. Every friendship has its own requirements for maintenance, and the only way to figure out what those requirements are is to explore and communicate. It’s all trial and error.
Don’t claim to be “bad at keeping up with people” | On the flip side, do not buy into this overused excuse for not maintaining your relationships. There is no such thing as being good or bad at keeping up with people, there is only the effort we do or do not choose to exert. I think people who experience the avoidant guilt of not reaching out tend to use this proclamation as a safety blanket to assuage feelings of guilt over lack of contact. Establishing a reasonable expectation of communication upkeep is step one, and not telling yourself you are bad at keeping up with people is step two.
Remember the important things via Google Calendar | Being a good friend looks different to everyone, so I cannot say definitively how to be a good friend. I can say, however, that it feels good when my friends remember important things going on in my life, so I always attempt to do the same. The simplest way to do this is via calendar reminders—when a friend mentions they have a flight coming up or a job interview, I make it a point to put a note in my phone’s calendar right away so that I can text them on the day of the event. If your friends do something that makes you feel cared for, notice it and try to reciprocate it. Small efforts go a long way in making others feel loved and important.
Understand your limits | This last one is for my good-at-making-friends folks. Being a good friend isn’t always easy; attempting to be a good friend to many can be draining. Remember that you are only human, you don’t have to be everything to everyone. I’ve only recently begun to consider the fact that I have limited time in a day, limited energy to exert, and that it’s OK to be discerning about who I’m spending my time and energy on. That doesn’t make me an asshole or a bad friend, nor does it make you one.
Cheers, my dears, and as always, thanks for reading! I hope you have a beautiful weekend. I will be going on my first Cape Town adventure, taking a dance class, and returning to a very cute outdoor farmers market to buy a bunch of figs. Eat a good, ripe piece of fruit this weekend, go on a walk with no plugs, write a love note to your best friend. Until next time.
Three Pieces of Content Worth Consuming
How To Die In Good Health. Holy shit, this was gripping! Maybe it’s the fact that this is the first year I’ve felt my body not bounce back from an injury in the way it once did, or maybe it’s because Peter Attia—a man obsessed with prolonging the length of and quality of his life—is such a character. I laughed, cried, and jotted down many notes. An interesting thought exercise about how to care for our always-aging vessels.
The Look, a Poem. Poetry is magic for its brevity. This super short, old rhyming poem isn’t my typical style, but I swooned for the way it manages to tell a full story—romantic and sexy and haunting and sweet—in so few words.
10 Types of Odd Friendships You’re Probably Part Of. Suited for today’s edition, this oddly specific, albeit super relatable piece is worth reading. There seems to be a consensus that making friends as an adult isn’t the most simple or intuitive task, and sometimes we’re so desperate for connection that we put up with a lot of nonsense. This list made me laugh—I’ve definitely had *friendships* of the one, three, and five varieties, all of which were exhausting in their own special way.
Perhaps You Should… Test Your Internal BS Meter
According to the results of this quiz, I’m not exceptionally gifted at deciphering fact from fiction—just a smidge below average, in fact! Take it and tell me what you get.
**Bonus Content** (Dreamy Lake Como Villa)
Have you seen the new TV adaptation of Mr. and Mrs. Smith? I wasn’t planning on it, but so many people have raved about the show that I’m considering it. This villa was a location on the show, and I cannot stop dreaming of a life in which I retreat to some beautiful home far away from the buzz of society to write and write and write. Seems much easier to do in (scenic, luxury) isolation.
Also, new Sally Rooney has me amped up, I love food but this is so real, and this is the best song on Cowboy Carter.
A Quote From A Book You Should Read:
“Wasn’t friendship its own miracle, the finding of another person who made the entire lonely world seem somehow less lonely?”
-A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara