Edition #144: Why Do We Live Where We Live?

Plus, both sides of a breakup, best advice from therapy, and a house for a fence frog

Not quite a boat, not quite a house. Could be yours for a cool $1.4 mil!

A Note From the Editor

When I was a kid, one of my most time consuming hobbies was trying to convince my parents to move someplace else. I grew up in a small suburb outside of Orlando called Kissimmee, Florida. Even when I was very young I knew it wasn’t the place for me, though at that point I couldn’t eloquently articulate why. We lived in a neighborhood where every house was some version of the same model—two stories or one story, some with pools, some without, all painted a variable shade of beige or grey. We attended school on President’s Day, but we got off for Rodeo Day instead. We’d congregate in large, barren fields or in empty rental homes to drink ourselves silly after a Friday night football games and spend Saturday night’s loitering in a Walmart parking lot as we awaited for plans to transpire. We’d eat at Chilli’s before homecoming dances, most of us would not leave the state for college, others would skip college entirely.

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PROS AND CONS of living in KISSIMMEE, FL
Pros: 
- Frequent free theme park entry on account of knowing someone employed by the theme park 
- Publix subs 
- Going to the fair on Rodeo Day (very fun as a kid / teen)

Cons:
- Satanically hot for most of the year 
- Your home will likely get destroyed, or at least severely damaged, by a hurricane 
- Mostly all chain restaurants

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My parents were both born in New York and lived in a small, Long Island beach town right up until I was born. The town they’d lived in was supremely walkable and bikeable. They both had their families around, the schools were great, and the beach was just down the block. As a teenager, I’d spend summer in their old town with family and I would come home baffled, for I could never understand why they’d left—the trade-off seemed ludicrous.

I never gave up on my quest to convince my parents to move. I’d spend hours researching other towns and pitching them various places whose costs seemed comparable, not knowing that financially, it would never be in the cards for us. Still, I dreamt of the day I would leave Kissimmee and where I might go. My siblings and I discovered an online quiz designed to figure out the best-suited places for us to live. I remember getting Providence, Rhode Island as my number one spot. It was the first time I recognized myself as an individual with a set of opinions and interests that had nothing to do with where I was currently living, and it was also the first time I realized that I might one day find a place where I could live amongst people more like my then undiscovered self.

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PROS AND CONS of living in MAUI, HAWAII
Pros: 
- You can go to the beach every day 
- The freshest fruit and fish, all of superior variety 
- Endless opportunities for adventure and cultural immersion 

Cons:
- Far away from family on the East Coast 
- Expensive to fly to back to most places in the US 
- Transient population 

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Looking back, I’m grateful for where I grew up, though I actively detested it for most of my life. Our town was diverse; I formed relationships with many different types of people. I grew a thick skin because there was no sheltering in Kisismee; we lived in the brunt of roughness and I became who I am because of it (if you haven’t seen this movie, it was shot in my hometown). Still, I’ve often found myself envious of those who cherish their hometown, who never leave it, or who recall it with rose-colored glasses. I imagine there must be a deep comfort in knowing you will always have a physical place to return to, a place where you want to be that makes you feel safe and warm.

I’ve lived all around the US—on both coasts, on an island in the middle of the Pacific, in the desert and sub-tropical climates and New England winters, in liberal towns and in conservative ones. For most of my adult life, I’ve lived where I lived for work—my first big job was sort of like the military; if you were young and unencumbered and good at your job, you would be offered the opportunity to move around often, and often for additional money. I said yes to every move. New York was the first place I lived that I chose, but it didn’t feel like choosing because my mom talked me into it. I needed a job and didn’t want to be alone again. I knew people in New York and there were, ostensibly, a lot of jobs. Six years later, here I am.

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PROS AND CONS of living in SCOTTSDALE, ARIZONA
Pros: 
- In-N-Out 
- A little downtown area to charm your visitors 
-  Close to other places you might want to visit on the West Coast 

Cons:
- Very white, very homogenous
- No arts scene 
- The desert isn't fun...no water, everything dusty beige, too many cacti and lizards 

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Lately, I’ve been thinking about why we live where we live. There are a few major factors, the main one being the season of life we are in. Adults with families need more space and often a greater degree of affordability, so the suburbs tend to make sense. Single adults and recent college grads might consider other factors—a strong job market, the diversity of a population, quality of bars/restaurants/nightlife. Older, retired adults might have more time to foster hobbies, so perhaps they choose to live in places to support those hobbies—golf, fishing, gardening, spending time with grandkids. Certain people feel strongly about the weather, refusing to shovel snow or wanting sunshine year-round, whereas others only want to be near their families, to have their children live close to cousins or grandparents.

Ask most New Yorkers why they live here, as I’ve been doing in various social settings lately, and they’ll often refer to “the culture”—as in the plethora of museums, theatre, music, and various art forms found around the city. Pushing back on the answer, I’ll retort that most major cities nowadays have a few solid museums, arts events, etc., but what makes New York truly unique in that respect is Broadway, and how often are we attending Broadway shows? Or museums, for that matter? Unless the regularity of visits is around once per week, it feels like a soft justification for all the other challenges that come with living here, especially the cost of living and spacial constraints. At this point, people will ponder for a moment, ultimately deciding it’s “the energy” that keeps them rooted in New York, or the people. There’s no place like it in that regard: Diverse, jam-packed, and a constant hustle.

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PROS AND CONS of living in NEW YORK, NEW YORK 
Pros: 
- Access to all sorts of interesting, strange, important, varied people 
- Unbelievable food scene, including but not limited to: Bagels, dumplings, and pizza 
- Very easy to get friends and family to come visit you from elsewhere 

Cons:
- Obscenely expensive; costs roughly $50 every time you walk outside 
- No easy access to nature (unless you have a car)
- Requires an intense amount of energy at all times 

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In a time where my life is more loosely shaped than it’s ever been, I’ve been considering why I choose to stay in New York and where else I might go if not here. Before I became a freelancer full time I was rooted here for work, which is the easiest reason to make any location-based decision. Then work location restrictions disappeared and I left the country for an extended period of time and realized how much I loved being near the ocean, how much value was added to my daily life when I lived in a smaller, tight-knit community, and where I had more space and easy access to nature.

After two months back in New York, I’m experiencing this wild and complex city with a new level of clarity, for better or for worse. New York has changed, I have changed, and life just goes on. Since being back, I’ve taken full advantage of a variety of activities I love, ones I can only do here—I saw a debut film with a Q&A afterward moderated by Steve Buscemi. I took a day trip to an incredible outdoor sculpture garden, I saw an outstanding jazz trio perform in a historic brownstone in Brooklyn. I’ve been to many a wine bar and a dizzying number of restaurants. I’ve biked over the Manhattan Bridge and the Williamsburg Bridge multiple times, I’ve had a perfect pastry and brought my binoculars to Central Park to watch the birds. I’ve picnicked in the grass near the Hudson on the West Side and spent far too much money at my favorite neighborhood bookstore and found a perfect, no-frills Italian cafe with prime sidewalk seat people watching to work from. I’ve dated, gone for runs, gone for walks, laid in the grass in Washington Square Park and listened to the jazz trio that plays there on weekend mornings.

And yet in the evenings I spend at home, I find myself checking the surf forecasts in various towns far away from here. I search for surfboards and skateboards for sale, imagining how I might improve the little bit of skill I worked so hard for without having easy access to water. When I wake up, I want to immediately go outside and stay outside all day, but it doesn’t work like that here. Outside requires planning, shade, Wifi. Outside requires energy; I miss outside. I miss waking up and having all the windows open, hearing birds sing in the mornings and around sunset. I appreciate New York, I’m working to stay present in it, but my eye is wandering.

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PROS AND CONS of living in SANTA TERESA, COSTA RICA
Pros: 
- The most beautiful beaches with ideal surf conditions and amazing sunsets 
- A small community of expats from all over 
- A witchy, laid-back energy that sucks you in and makes you into a more chilled out verison of yourself

Cons:
- The town can run out of water in the dry months and doesn't have great waste management 
- Friends can be flaky and fleeting; no one likes making plans and most people leave and return often
- No movie theatres or good burgers 

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Like many New Yorkers I know, I’ve grown more and more distant from the city in the years since COVID. I’ve said, “I’ll always stay here, as long as I can leave for long periods of time.” Then, “Where else would I go?” I didn’t want to start over in another city, I’ve done it too many times. My friends are here, it took me years to build the community I have here. I’ve said, “This country is scary, I need to live in a place that feels safe for me.” Me, being a woman who wants autonomy over her body. Me, being a woman who dates both women and men. All those factors have convinced me this is the only place that makes sense, but what if that isn’t the whole truth? I used to be so afraid of the idea of leaving New York. I’m not scared anymore of it anymore, though. For the first time, I’m open to meeting myself where I am with this place. I’m open to admitting this might not be the best long-term home for me.

The other day, I tried an exercise. I wrote in my journal from the point of view of my ideal, regular day in an undetermined location at some point in the not-so-distant, but not next week future. I made it a point to not make this day the perfect one. I expressed minor annoyances and minor joys, as I normally would in my journal, but recounting the fictional day in the fictional place brought me a deep sense of peace. It involved waking up next to a partner, breathing outside in the morning, doing a bit of writing, taking a yoga class, skipping surf because of shitty conditions but having the option to surf, and having a production meeting in which my fictional DP and I fret over whether the funding for our film will fall apart. It ended with dinner at the neighbor’s house, a couple who happened to also be friends of my partner and me. I didn’t specify whether my family lived close in this scenario—I sincerely hoped they did.

Cheers, my dears, and as always, thank you for reading. I am sincerely curious to know, why do you live where you live? And I don’t mean what you like about where you live, though I’d love to hear that too, but why you live where you do. Let me know if the comments or via email (you can reply directly to this email).

Whenever you happen to be, I hope you have a sweet weekend. If you’re in New York, stay inside and order yourself an air purifier—it’s rough out there, especially for us asthmatics. Sending you all love! I’ll be staying inside, going to see my friend’s film premiere at Tribeca Film Festival, and cat-sitting for two of the cutest, most flat-faced weirdos you’ve ever seen. Eat some cake this weekend! Go to the movies!

And if you liked today’s edition and you want me to keep writing these, please consider upgrading to a paid subscription!

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Three Pieces of Content Worth Consuming

1. She Started Sleeping With Her Wall Street Boss. I had to open a few incognito windows to break through the paywall for this ‘Both Sides of a Breakup,” but it was worth it. The story isn’t one that is unheard of in the New York genre—two high-performing business school kids, one whose parents are wealthy and the other whose aren’t, form a relationship. Sex, money, infidelity, and drug usage ensue. I recall reading a novel whose plot was somewhat similar to this years ago. Still, I was on the edge of my seat. The description of their shared apartment was especially bloodcurdling.

2. Carefree Photos of California’s Venice Beach Surfers. All this surf dreaming has me drooling over my favorite town in LA, Venice Beach. These photos, capturing the unique surf and van-living culture in Venice, are beautiful and sexy. I want to buy this photography book now.

3. The Best Things You Learned in Therapy. I wish this one was a standalone article vs. part of a newsletter, but if you scroll down you’ll get to the goods. This reader-generated list of things people learned and found most useful in therapy was fun to read. Some of these I’ve heard in therapy but others I hadn’t. Learning your emotions aren’t good or bad is, in fact, a game changer—I’ve taken it to the extreme to challenge myself into thinking nothing is inherently good or bad, pushing back on the way we tend to love to classify things. I also like the idea of questioning what you’re doing to contribute to your own unhappiness each day.

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Perhaps You Should… Take A Quiz About Where You Should Live

Where AI thinks I should live. Where’s the beach???

While writing today’s essay, I was searching for the (now defunct) website my siblings and I used to use to figure out where we should live. I spent a bit of time searching for a new quiz and didn’t like many of them for their oversimplified or overtly trying-to-sell-me-real-estate format, but this one hit the mark. I thought it was clever and not so obvious—the quiz lists two fictional cities with three traits about the city, and you choose which of the two you’d rather live in. In the end, this quiz and another one I took told me I should live in Bellvue, Washington—I disagree, I do like the sun too much!—followed by Santa Clara, CA, Kirkland, WA, and San Fransisco, CA. Let me know what you get!

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**Bonus Content** (VIP Fence Frog )

I watched this with no sound, but still got the gist. I love what total freaks we all are—or, what total freaks living in the age of the internet has made us.

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A Quote From An Author You Should Read:

“In our national mythology, we seem to include only one-way migrations to the great capitol cities. The journey from the small Wisconsin town or Minnesota city to Chicago or New York or Los Angeles. Certainly for some people, that journey is a round trip”

-Mona Simpson, author of Commitment

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This newsletter is best served with a side of conversation, so drop your opinions, reflections, and thoughts in the comments below and let’s get to talking.

Or, share the most thought-provoking piece from today’s edition with someone you love, then call them up to discuss, debate, and percolate. As a wise woman once said, “Great minds discuss ideas.