Edition #26: Have You Ever Felt Anticipatory Blues?
Plus, the best Hollywood profile you'll ever read, what happens when humans get lost, and a tone deafness test
A note from the editor
For the past year or two, I've been experiencing a strange breed of reactionary sadness that I could never quite put my finger on; more slippery and fleeting than depression, but equally as helpless. It shows up around my birthday and during the annual gathering where I get to spend a full weekend with my outrageously large family. Other times it'll arrive out of the blue, when I hear my mother's voice on the other end of the phone or when I'm surrounded by friends, laughing and sipping wine, feeling the sun on my face.
Then last night over Zoom, my sister told a story about how she and her son went to his (now closed) elementary school to pick up his art projects and class journals from his recently completed kindergarten year. He's always been emotionally tuned in and wise beyond his years, so it wasn't a total surprise when he looked at my sister, eyes full of worry, and said "Mom, I don't want to be an adult." At six-years-old, he's got plenty of time to spare on that front, and yet at that moment the downhearted feelings associated with the prospect of growing up felt very real to him-- and I realized the sentiment isn't so different than the feeling I've been experiencing.
I'm calling it anticipatory blues; the feeling of sadness or loss for a far off event. It's the habit of saying I'm 28-years-old four months before the fact so that I can ward off the blow of another passing year, or the twinge of despair in my stomach when I realize that I will one day be without my mother. In a lesser extreme, it's the sense of mourning that comes every time I part ways with a roommate, even if we weren't very close, because it signifies the loss of some small sliver of my youth. It's the strange sensation I experience during the most ordinary days at home, eating a salad or reading a book, when I realize that one day I'll look back at this time and marvel at the total freedom I had. For my nephew, it's the knowledge that he'll eventually grow up and become a person with real responsibilities and worries.
In a lot of ways, anticipatory blues is the antithesis of living. How is it possible to be present when you're dripping so much mental energy into the future? I often try to reason with my feelings, to challenge them from a clear-minded perspective, and I can see that this line of thought isn't doing me any good. Time doesn't slow down when you fret over it; the inevitable will come and go no matter when I choose to feel it. But giving the feeling a name is perhaps a first step in mitigating its effects so that I can allow myself to be more mindful during the phase of life I have the pleasure of living right now.
Cheers, my dears, and as always, I'd love to hear your thoughts on anticipatory blues or other feelings you’ve made up names for.
Three Pieces of Content Worth Consuming
1. The Best Hollywood Profile You'll Read. A week ago, all I could tell you about Steve Buscemi was that he was "that one guy who plays the creepy friend role in Adam Sandler movies," but after reading this incredibly well-done profile, I've converted to a fascinated fan. Imagining Buscemi as a young firefighter living in the East Village (my neighborhood!) with quiet dreams of becoming an actor warmed my heart in a way that is difficult to put into words. Everything from the way he met his late wife (and former neighbor) to his apparent oblivion to his level of stardom made this piece particularly soothing for the soul.
2. Why Do Humans Totally Freak Out When Lost? I used to have a recurring nightmare that I was driving on a major highway and suddenly my GPS stopped working. The sense of being lost caused so much dream-panic that I'd wake up sweating, and it turns out I'm not alone here. Being lost creates a full on evolutionary panic response, explaining our tendency to run in circles without realizing it. I found it fascinating that the best thing to do while lost is to stay exactly where you are, though a study of 800 search and rescue reports in the forests of Nova Scotia found only two people stayed put-- an elderly woman and a young boy.
3. The Hot New App You Can't Join, Sorry. With tech giants like Facebook and Twitter dominating the social media space, creating a buzzy new app is no easy feat-- but if you make something exclusive enough, the people will want in. I'd love to drop in on a conversation on the invite-only app drawing in the likes of Kevin Hart, Ashton Kutcher and MC Hammer, among others. Random groups of users can join disappearing audio chat rooms meant to emulate a party or sorts, and allegedly users are spending hours upon hours chatting in these digital "rooms". The only rules? No boring conversations, and no talking about Clubhouse.
Perhaps You Should...
Start Growing Your Own Food
One thing COVID-19 has demonstrated is our reliance on a somewhat faulty food supply chain (re: your never-ending quest for all purpose flour). Get started with this free course, covering the easy-to-grow vegetables that are most likely to be successful. If you have a little extra space and time, consider adopting a backyard chicken for fresh eggs! I had no idea chickens often end up in regular animal shelters alongside dogs, and if I didn't live in a 500 sq ft. apartment I'd be all over this.
**Bonus Content** (Are You Tone Deaf?)
Have you ever heard someone you love sing along to the radio in a flat, Frankenstein-like pitch and wondered "what the hell are they hearing?" Send them this tone-deafness test from the Harvard Music Lab and find out once and for all. I've always thought I had the ear of a musician (based on absolutely nothing), but it turns out I only scored 23% better than the average listener. Let me know what you score. I'm especially curious to hear from my music-inclined readers.
A Quote From a Book You Should Read
"She understands. There is nowhere to go but on. Still, part of her longs to go back"
-Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng
This newsletter is best served with a side of conversation, so drop your opinions, reflections, and thoughts in the comments below and let’s get to talking.
Or, share the most thought-provoking piece from today’s edition with someone you love, then call them up to discuss, debate, and percolate. As a wise woman once said, “Great minds discuss ideas.”